my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
