my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Text me some of your sweat
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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