I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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