And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
