Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
