im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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