i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
