I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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