she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
