I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
