PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize