Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize