I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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