fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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