I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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