why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Two words: nipple clamps
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