You really coming over, don't trick.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
