I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
