I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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