I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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