Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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