Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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