Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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