How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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