JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
