Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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