its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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