There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
