What a fucking waste of an outfit
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
