you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
