when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
