I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
