I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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