New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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