how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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