I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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