the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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