Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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