Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
false alarm, still single
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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