You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
