I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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