I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
