I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
