Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
