Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Sorry about my life...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
