Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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