I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
