Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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