that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My ass is underappreciated
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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