Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I'm really busy with my period
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