The maid of honor just puked.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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