I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
