so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
