Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize