I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
