I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
its liver damage thursday
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize