If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
