I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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