I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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