How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize