even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
