lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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