No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
