dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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