Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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