sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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