Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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