She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
