god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize